Before You Go:

- read The Master y Margarita by Bulgakov
- read The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky
- read the poetry of Marina Tsvetaeva, Mayakovsky, and Pushkin
- read Lenin's Tomb, Resurrection and all the articles you can find by David Remnick
- read Soviet Women: Walking the Tightrope by Francine du Plessix Gray
- memorize at least one poem in Russian
- check out every Tarkovsky film in your local video store
- practice drinking vodka straight

While You're There:

- roast naked in a banya (the one near the 1905 Street Metro is great)
- get invited to an all-night dinner party
- uncork a bottle of Soviet Champagne at midnight in Red Square, just as the Kremlin bells begin to chime
- commune with the spirit of Vladimir Visotsky at the Taganka Theater
- befriend a babushka
- have a picnic at the Kolomenskoe Summer Residence
- eat khachpuri (the Georgian version of quesadillas)
- get invited to someone's dacha for a weekend
- grill shashlik in a forest
- ice skate in Gorky Park

Don't Forget To Visit:

- Lenin's Tomb
- Mayakovsky's Museum
- The Tretyakovskaya Galereya
- the fallen communist graveyard behind the Central House of Artists
- Patriarch's Pond on Malaya Bronnaya
- Moscow State University
- cemeteries, especially the ones at Novodevichi Monastery and by the 1905 Street Metro

You'll Know You're Catching On When You:

- can slam half a dozen shots of vodka in a row without puking
- prefer dried, salted fish to peanuts with your beer
- make out in the escalator of the Metro
- wear a mini-skirt and high heels in the middle of a blizzard
- wear a cocktail dress to a rock concert, the zoo, the park, the forest
- fall asleep on the Circle Line of the Metro and don't awaken for hours
- eat ice cream sandwiches in the dead of winter
- hitchhike without a second thought
- make home-brew in your bathtub
- hook your arm around your friend's as you stroll down the street
- carry plastic bags everywhere you go, in case stores don't have any
- consider a five-mile walk a leisurely stroll
- bring caviar, vodka, and a big box of chocolates to dinner parties
- pack hard boiled eggs, cucumbers, and tomatoes when you travel by train
- decorate the tiles of your bathroom with stickers
- own an orange polka-dotted teapot and an electric tea kettle
- bring a bottle of vodka and a carton of cigarettes to the negotiating table
- have a krisha, or Mafiya protection
- resolutely declare that Russian language and literature is superior to any other culture's in the world